Warning: some of these jokes may be rated R

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question, ‘When you die and go to heaven…which part of your body goes first?’

Suzy raised her hand and said, ‘I think it’s your hands’.

‘Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?’

Suzy replied, ‘Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first’.

‘What a wonderful answer!’ the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, ‘Sister, I think it’s your feet’.

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. ‘Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?’

Little Johnny said, ‘Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh! God, I’m coming! … and if Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her’.

The Nun fainted

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

“Dairy farming s’a rough life”, one young man lamented, “what with my two brothers and me having to divvy up the milking of two hundred cows each morning.”

“Wow, that does sound exhausting” remarked one onlooker.

“Yea, well, it’ll be better soon when my pa gets another hundred head.”

“How can it be better with more cows to milk?”

“Well, shoot! Any fool can divide 300 by 3.”

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing:

Don’t Look Down!

Q: Why do men like women dressed in leather?

A: They smell like new car.

Your mom is so fat that when she fell in love, she broke it.

Your mom is so fat that when she tried to sit up, she rocked herself to sleep.

An infinite number of mathmaticians walk into a bar. The first mathmatician says to the bartendender, “I’d like a beer, please.” The second mathmatician says, “I would like a half a beer, please, sir.” The third mathmatician, smiling, says, “I’d like half of a half of a beer, please, good sir!” The bartender, glancing down the line, says, “You’re all morons!”, pours two beers and walks away.

A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding. They see a kid bending over to tie his shoe. So the priest goes to the rabbi: “Oh man, I’d really love to screw that kid”. The rabbi says: “Out of what?”

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Here’s the deal, if you manage to make me laugh out loud with a joke, I’ll reward you with a free iLaugh promo code. While supplies last. (There’s only about 40 codes left for me to give away.)

Show me your best joke in the comments.

At the end of the contest, I’ll compile a list of the very best jokes, and publish them through iLaugh as a new source, as well as on this blog.

Check out the free version!

Update: if you can, rather tweet me your joke @SeoxyS.